Things start out and they seem normal and innocent and like maybe something will be pleasant but... Give it a week, maybe a little more or less. Things fall apart for me and I don't know why. I try so hard to keep them together, I really do. Things start getting colder and darker and odd and I hold on as tight as I can but I try to make sure that no one figures out, that I don't bother anyone with what I tell myself are meaningless insecurities but aren't. People start to act weird around me and I tread on eggshells just to try and retain some of the normalcy--nothing. I just want something normal enough to feel stable, I just want to breathe for once, but I can't have that. Not with friends, I've isolated pretty much everyone but a single person who I can't for the life of me explain any of this to and the one person I'm trying so desperately not to lose. Things are comfortable, and then I think them into something that just feels wrong. I've lost so much lately and I don't know how to stop. I tell people I think things are getting better; after all, how many more people can die? I can't lose that many more. But the thing is, I lose people just by overthinking things or by trying to hard or not hard enough or not seeming like I'm trying and I just don't know what to do anymore or where to turn. I will inevitably lose more people too... All I can think right now is "how long until I'm alone?"
And I feel so much but so little all at once and I feel in strange ways that I can't begin to make sense of let alone explain. I try to rationalize things just for the sake of my own comfort, but... it rarely works, as I'm sure has been said many a time, the head and the heart do not bode well together, and mine are no different. Rationally, I know I shouldn't worry, I shouldn't be jealous over someone who wasn't even mine in the first place, I shouldn't be so worked up over someone who I barely know... But I have so few people left, what am I supposed to feel when the distance appears? Nothing? It all makes so little sense but so much at the same time and I am just lost.
On top of all that, I feel like I can't spend another day in this house without losing it. I've run out of things to do, I can't breathe in here, it's suffocating me and my family, I can't even tell you what they make me feel. They don't know me, I don't know them, we're all just strangers pretending to be close, to understand each other. We want to, in some way, I know. We blame each other and ourselves for everything that is a problem, and I don't know why we can't just figure it out.
Physically, all of this has taken such a toll on me. I can hardly lie down when eleven o'clock rolls around, let alone get to sleep before I know that I am the solitary one breathing consciously, before I know that it's safe to let my guard down and in the morning I can't bear to drag myself out of bed. My body is constantly tense, aches everywhere and most often I'm trembling with nerves or cold--it's like my body is a live wire and my mind is a dwindling ember, the light slowly fading leaving only a small red haze there. I can never seem to get enough air, especially not while sitting still or inside, the stagnant air feels like lead in my lungs. I have no appetite, I've gained and then lost weight without trying... Most of the time I can hardly see straight and there's a constant, dull ache behind my eyes or at the base of my neck. And it's like my hands are constantly searching for some nonexistent itch to scratch and make this all go away...
Emotionally, I'm pretty sure it's evident that there's a pretty significant toll on my disposition... But another thing I haven't yet mentioned, I'm restless as hell. I can't focus and I can't entertain myself, I am constantly bored and nothing seems to hold my interest anymore. I only feel satisfied when I'm moving and listening to music. It's driving me up the wall.